Looser
by Jaya Korin
Summary: Touma's memories of his past.


Disclaimer: No I don't own any of the RW/YST characters here, and yes I am using them and the song lyrics without permission so don't sue me. Blah Blah Blah... you all know the drill.  
  
Looser  
Started: 1/28/'01  
By: Jaya  
  
Song By: 3 Doors Down.  
Title: Looser  
  
Quoat (For Sarah):   
"I like playing with hot wax, it hurts but it doesn't hurt for long. Just don't play with fire it actually burns."   
- Jaya  
  
I sit here in the darkness, and look around the small room. How long has it been dark like this? I'm not sure. I don't remember the last time it was light. There isn't even any light coming in through the cracks of the boarded up window no. I think, I saw light there earlier. But I can't remember.... so dark now. It's hard to remember.  
  
It's even getting hard to remember who I am. Why I'm here. How I cam to be here. /Come to think of it... Who Am I?/  
  
Touma... Touma... I think... Touma Hashiba.. Yes that's right. That's who I am.   
I am. Touma Hashiba.  
  
  
Breathe in right away, nothing seems to fill this place  
I need this everytime, take your lies get off my case  
Someday I will find, a love that flows   
Through me like this...  
This will fall away, this will fall away  
  
  
In my mind I can travel to another place. In my mind I can let it all 'fall away', in my mind I can have the 'love' of another. Here this is my world this is my place. A place where I am the 'ruler', where I have control. This is my life, and my life to live.  
  
Here I see his face still, here I hear his words still, here he is still with me, confessing his love. Only this time I do not walk away, in this world I can not walk away from him. In this world I can fallow my heart. In this world I can stay...  
  
/I am FREE!/ Slowly tears trickly down my cheeks as I sit on my bed, in the very far coner leaning against the dingy walls. /Here I am free to except his gift, to except his love. Here I am free to Love him back./  
  
But like everything else good it can not last...  
  
  
You're getting closer, to pushing me  
Off of life's little edge  
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later  
You know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer, you're holding the  
Rope and I'm taking the fall  
Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, Yeah.  
  
  
Slowly I look up, from the floor into your smoldering eyes. I can see the hate there, the utter contempt for all that I am, or am not. /Why?/  
  
Again and again. I feel your hands on my body, pushing me closer to the edge. 'Looser, Looser, Looser.' Your words echoing in my mind like a broken tape recorner. /Why?/  
  
Your drunk again, I know that to be true. But it doesn't help my state of mind. What state of mind? Sucha joke. I am a fool. I am a Looser. You are right... But you know that soon I will be dead if I stay in this palce. /Why?/  
  
I see the rope in your hands, before I feel it's rough surface cut into my wrists, as you bind them behind my back. My mind screams as I seek to escape this place. Yet can not this time. /Why?/  
  
There you are again, standing over me as I take the fall. Closer... Closer.. Closer to the edge of oblivion, and soon I will fall. /Is this what life is supposed to be like?/ Sometimes I wonder, as you decend upone me again. /Why?/  
  
  
This is getting old, I can't break these  
Chains that I hold  
My body's growing cold, there's nothin  
Left of this mind or my soul  
Addiction needs a pacifier, the buzz of  
This poison is taking me higher  
This will fall away, this will fall away  
  
  
They came again today. Brought me more of what I need. But it doesn't matter, you won't be home for another couple hours. When you get home, it won't matter either. This will help... /Help me, give it up. Take me higher. Let this all fall away, fall away, fall away from this place. I will let it go./  
  
Slowly I sit down on the edge of the bed. I feel like an old mad, who bones ach, who's joints are stiff when he moves. My whole body aches, like it always does. /Did it used to feel like this all the time? When I was away from this place?/.../I don't remember the answer. Perhapse that is better. Beter to forget since it can not be./  
  
/Why do these chains of fate beind me to you. Why can't I let them go?/ I lay back upone the pillow. I hardly remember what I took anymore. It doesnt' matter. /My bodys getting cold now... But theres nothing left in this world for me to stay for. Doesn't matter./ When you get back I'll be here, when you succome to the poisen that has invaded your soul, perhapse I will wake from my own. /Poisen of life./  
  
  
You're getting closer, to pushing me  
Off of life's little edge  
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later  
You know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer, you're holding  
the rope and I'm taking the fall  
Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser!  
  
  
/It's all gone now... They haven't come back for too long. I don't know what to do./ You were here again last night. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no way to escape so I feel into the darker recessese of my mind, flee from you. Even though you aren't even awake yet. /Soon... All too soon you will be back for more. For more of me. Have you ever stopped to think that I don't want to give?/... /No. But ever time you push me a bit closer jut a little bit closer to the edge of the end. Soon I will be dead. Will you eve shead a tear?/  
  
As I flee, I can hear you moving in the other room. My eyes see the rope on the floor, still stained with bloond. But I close them, shutting it out. /Because I am afraid. I'm a Looser. I guess sometimes you do speak truth. But why?/  
  
/Doesn't matter... Soon I will be dead./  
  
  
You're getting closer, to pushing me  
Off of life's little edge  
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later  
You know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer, you're holding  
the rope and I'm taking the fall  
Cause I'm a loser!  
  
  
Is it over yet?  
  
Still your coming closer.. Coming closer. Pushing me just a little farther, towards the edge of this. How much more can I take? Will it all be over soon? How much farther can I go before I fall...  
  
'Looser' I hear the whisper that word in my ear. 'Looser' It rings about my mind endlessly back and forth.  
  
/And sooner or later you know I'll be dead./ The thought floats towards the top of my mind. Strangly soothing. /Why do I take comfort in this... Escape. I can leave this place behind./  
  
Slowly my mind travels away from you, as I fall back and you stand up, pulling me after you. I can smell, the heat and taste the bloond. /Why?/  
  
/Looser./ The words is etched in my brain. As mercyfully the end to this night comes and I fall away from this place. Moving just a little closer to the edge each time, yet this one has come to an end. All too soon it will start over again.  
  
Finished: 1/28/'01  
jaya  
  



End file.
